Old Piano in May

nakaraan, bat hindi ka makalimutan. hinaharap, bat hindi ka mahanap.
kasalukuyan, ikaw ang nakaraan at hinaharap.

is vulnerable…

is weak…

feels like dying….

back is aching…

is feeling numb…

is bothered…

stressed…

needs assurance…

i cant help it. i just want to say everything i want to say. it’s just i dont want to be a burden my friends so i i dont tell them everything i feel, and i know one two three friends read this.haha. facebook helps me to say things in my mind. but right now i do not know.

i hope ill stay wake up tomorrow.

i hope id still be alive.

i feel like im dying.

im too weak.

im so foolish.

honestly, im afraid to sleep. i might not be able to wake up tomorrow.

hindi na ba matatapos ang drama sa buhay ko?

hindi na ba matatapos ang paninikip ng dibdib?

ang paghatak ng aking kaluluwa sa mundo ng kalungkutan.

sa mundo ng kawalang kaseguraduhan.

hindi na ba ito matatapos?

ako ba ang may kasalanan?

ako ba ng kasagutan?

hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko ayoko na ng drama.

tama na. ayoko ko na.

gusto ko lang maging normal na tao…

Lord, sabi nila di ka magbibigay ng mga bagay na hindi namin kakayanin, pero sa lagay  na ito. hindi ko ata kaya.

please make my load a little lighter…

parang ang sarap na lang mawalang parang bula.

parang ang sarap mabuhay ulit.

nahihilo na ako.

papalit palit ang focus ko.

papalit palit ang kagustuhan ko.

bakit ba kasi ganito ako.

bakit hindi ko kayang mag fit kung ako man ang missing puzzle piece.

my greatest opponent is the better mamay.

the mamay who is good in dealing with people but does not intend to please everybody

the mamay who knows how to use her time wisely. sometimes she slacks off and reaches the limits of her katamaranmometer  but still manages her time for work, self, friends, chores, hobbies, etc.

the sexy mamay…haha lol

the mamay who knows how to handle her money well. hindi masyadong kuripot, marunong bumili ng damit di lang sa pagkain. haha.

the mamay who is accomplished. she fulfilled her goals already

the mamay with a love life – no comment.haha.

the not so emo mamay.

the mamay who can express her feelings without fear but still knows how to control and find the right words.

i think it is time for me give the old me a death it deserves.

i do not know how and what will happen, but i aim at a better me.

i need to lose some negativity in how i think, as what coelho said in one of his books, man always feeds himself/ herself with fear. i think i need to stop being emo to see things clearly;hoping to come up with the optimal choice.

i was inspired by a particular person, that i would name eventually but not now. well, some(including I) will find him to be absurd and crazy, but now, i admire him, and his perspective in life. i admire what he does, and what i think he is trying to do.

i learned from him “to make things simple.” i love complications. i often complicate things and over read, but now, im trying to control myself and tell myself to make things simple.

he never gets tired when it comes to business. everytime he says that he wants more, i resist the temptation of asking a potentially hurtful and ignorant “why?” why do you ask for more when you already have others ask for? why so restless?

then i realized, judging from the depth of his personality,perhaps  his attempts might not be just crazy ideas. his attempts were not to increase his wealth, but perhaps his goal was to learn. perhaps he wants to experience, understand, and grow from what we see as bizarre ventures.

it dawned to me, that the outcome is indeed what is important. differences just arise as we particularize the outcome that we desire.

lately, i get the feeling that people are hiding from me

then i realized i was the one who was concealing myself from the rest of the world.

here i am, just sitting on my bed, and being voluntarily sealed in our room.

we have a beautiful, well- furnished room. i just want to say that, this has been the longest time im in an airconditioned room.haha. we also have a nice bathroom, way way better than what we have at home and from my old boarding house. we are just one call away for free food. unlimited wifi.

when everyone in luzon and upper Visayas was experiencing the wrath f Ondoy and Pepe, we lay comfortably and safely in our rooms.

the comfort that our room gives us is truly worth thanking.

however,

the longer that i stay in this room, the more i develop and cultivate a particular habit. a sickening bad habit.

the habit of hiding myself from the world.

there are approximately 80 million Filipinos in the Philippines

and in a week, i only see almost a hundred.

talked to less than 8.

i even survived a day seeing just 3 persons

take note, i just saw the two of them, no exchange of words.

my personality test result may suggest that i am an introvert (58% introvert, 42% Extravert), BUT I STILL WANT TO PERCEIVE(see,hear,touch,smell, taste?!?!?:) ) OTHERS!!!LOL

i miss hugs.

i miss getting meaningful discussions

i even miss when people tease me.

i miss meeting new people.

i miss being surrounded by people.

please find me or visit me

Oh, princes and princesses out there, save me from this dungeon.

namimiss kita.

haha

yun lang

akala ko hindi ko proproblemahin ang problema sa bahay.

akala ko hindi ko na maiisip at hindi ako maapektuhan nito.

pero mali ako

sa nakalipas na dalawang araw,

nababagabag ako

kung paano ko ba ito masosolusyunan

at kung ano ang kahihinatnan

maswerte pa ang mga estudyante

para sa kanila

problema na ang isang mathematical problem.

sana ganun kadali din sa buhay.

laging natatanong ni danica bakit ba kasi siya hindi naging mayaman

ang tanong ko naman bakit pa kasi may mayaman at may mahirap kung pwede namang wala.

hay mamay, sabi nga ni japo step no. 1 muna.